I rear-ended a car this morning.
So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car and you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed and life-stuff seems to get funny?
Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it . . . he was a DWARF!
He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, "I AM NOT HAPPY!"
So, I look down at him and say, "Well, which one are you then?"
And that's when the fight started
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Friday, March 21, 2008
The Blind Cowboy
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blond joke? The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:.
1. The bartender is a blond girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blond girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blond woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blond and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blond and a professional wrestler.
'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:.
1. The bartender is a blond girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blond girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blond woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blond and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blond and a professional wrestler.
'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Different Things
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, Did you?
"Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?"
------------------------------------------------------
A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did
All of my intelligence come from?"
The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your
Mother, 'cause I still have mine."
-----------------------------------------------------
"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce Court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."
"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. " And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
------ -----------------------------------------------
A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all."
"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids".
-------------------------------------------------------
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact
Words that were used to put the curse on you".
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
-------------------------------------------------------
Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.
------------------------------------------------------
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how
Long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?"
The agent replies, "Just a minute.."
"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.
------------------------------------------------------
More: "My wife got me to believe in religion."
Joe: "Really?"
More: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."
------------------------------------------------------
A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling. "I'm O K. But I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered.
"What did he say," asked the nurse.
"OOPS"
------------------------------------------------------
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
"What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an All-in-one?"
"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."
He's still in intensive care.
"Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?"
------------------------------------------------------
A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did
All of my intelligence come from?"
The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your
Mother, 'cause I still have mine."
-----------------------------------------------------
"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce Court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."
"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. " And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
------ -----------------------------------------------
A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all."
"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids".
-------------------------------------------------------
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact
Words that were used to put the curse on you".
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
-------------------------------------------------------
Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.
------------------------------------------------------
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how
Long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?"
The agent replies, "Just a minute.."
"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.
------------------------------------------------------
More: "My wife got me to believe in religion."
Joe: "Really?"
More: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."
------------------------------------------------------
A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling. "I'm O K. But I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered.
"What did he say," asked the nurse.
"OOPS"
------------------------------------------------------
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
"What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an All-in-one?"
"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."
He's still in intensive care.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Golf
Two women were playing golf.
One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men.
He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?
He replied: MMMMMMmmm It feels great, but I think my thumb's still broken!
One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men.
He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?
He replied: MMMMMMmmm It feels great, but I think my thumb's still broken!
Monday, March 17, 2008
Politicians
A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...
+ Tourist: $5
+ Broiled Missionary: $10.00
+ Fried Explorer: $15.00
+ Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a price difference for the politicians?"
The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of shit, it takes all morning."
+ Tourist: $5
+ Broiled Missionary: $10.00
+ Fried Explorer: $15.00
+ Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a price difference for the politicians?"
The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of shit, it takes all morning."
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Rebates
Spend wisely...........
How to use the rebate
As you may have heard the Bush Administration said each and every one of
us would now get a nice rebate.
If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China. If
we spend it on gasoline it will all go to the Arabs, if we purchase a
computer it will all go to India, if we purchase fruit and vegetables it
will all go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatamala, if we purchase a good
car it will all go to Japan, if we purchase useless crap it will all go
to Taiwan and none of it will help the American economy.
We need to keep that money here in America, so the only way to keep that
money here at home is to buy prostitutes, beer and visit Indian casinos, since those are the
only businesses still in the US.< BR>
How to use the rebate
As you may have heard the Bush Administration said each and every one of
us would now get a nice rebate.
If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China. If
we spend it on gasoline it will all go to the Arabs, if we purchase a
computer it will all go to India, if we purchase fruit and vegetables it
will all go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatamala, if we purchase a good
car it will all go to Japan, if we purchase useless crap it will all go
to Taiwan and none of it will help the American economy.
We need to keep that money here in America, so the only way to keep that
money here at home is to buy prostitutes, beer and visit Indian casinos, since those are the
only businesses still in the US.< BR>
Helpful Hints
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are over-sensitive, and there's nothing worse than an over-sensitive woman.
My name is Jim. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Peggy. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Peggy to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.
She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating, but now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard.
I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Peggy. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
Signed,
Jim
EDITOR'S NOTE:
Jim died suddenly on May 27 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and a sledge hammer lying nearby. His wife Peggy was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her "Not Guilty," accepting her defense that Jim somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.
My name is Jim. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Peggy. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Peggy to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.
She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating, but now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard.
I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Peggy. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
Signed,
Jim
EDITOR'S NOTE:
Jim died suddenly on May 27 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and a sledge hammer lying nearby. His wife Peggy was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her "Not Guilty," accepting her defense that Jim somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.
Little Johnny Strikes Again
A grade school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating." The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate, not fascinating".
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated." The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate."
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate," so she called on him. Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."
The teacher sat down and cried.
Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating." The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate, not fascinating".
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated." The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate."
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate," so she called on him. Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."
The teacher sat down and cried.
Saturday, March 15, 2008
It's Gonna Be A Cold One
It was October, and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their
new
chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. The chief,
unfortunately, had never been taught the old secrets, and when he
looked
at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. So
to
be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the coming winter was,
indeed, going to be cold, and that the members of the village should
begin collecting all the firewood they could get their hands on.
After several days, the chief, being a practical man, got an idea. He
went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and
asked,
"Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the
meteorologist
at the weather service responded. So the chief went back to his
people
and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it
still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?," he asked.
"Yes," the man at NWS again replied, "it's going to be a very cold
winter."
The chief again ordered his people to collect every scrap of firewood
they could find, and two weeks later again called the weather guys.
"Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is
going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?," the chief asked.
**The weatherman replied, "Because the Indians have been collecting
firewood like crazy since October!"*
new
chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. The chief,
unfortunately, had never been taught the old secrets, and when he
looked
at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. So
to
be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the coming winter was,
indeed, going to be cold, and that the members of the village should
begin collecting all the firewood they could get their hands on.
After several days, the chief, being a practical man, got an idea. He
went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and
asked,
"Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the
meteorologist
at the weather service responded. So the chief went back to his
people
and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it
still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?," he asked.
"Yes," the man at NWS again replied, "it's going to be a very cold
winter."
The chief again ordered his people to collect every scrap of firewood
they could find, and two weeks later again called the weather guys.
"Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is
going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?," the chief asked.
**The weatherman replied, "Because the Indians have been collecting
firewood like crazy since October!"*
Oops
A lady walked into a Lexus dealership just to browse. Suddenly she
spotted the most beautiful car that she had ever seen and walked over to
inspect it. As she bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an
unexpected little fart escaped her.
Embarrassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed
and hoped a sales person didn't pop up right now. But, as she turned back,
there, standing next to her, is a salesman. With a pleasant smile he
greeted her, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"
Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though
nothing had happened, she smiles back and asked, "Sir, what is the price
of this lovely vehicle?"
Still smiling pleasantly, he replied, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say
that if you farted just by touching it, you are going to shit when you
hear the price".
spotted the most beautiful car that she had ever seen and walked over to
inspect it. As she bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an
unexpected little fart escaped her.
Embarrassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed
and hoped a sales person didn't pop up right now. But, as she turned back,
there, standing next to her, is a salesman. With a pleasant smile he
greeted her, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"
Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though
nothing had happened, she smiles back and asked, "Sir, what is the price
of this lovely vehicle?"
Still smiling pleasantly, he replied, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say
that if you farted just by touching it, you are going to shit when you
hear the price".
The Wedding Test
I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.
There was only one little thing bothering me... It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.
There was only one little thing bothering me... It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.
Farewell
ALIENS ARE COMING TO ABDUCT ALL THE GOOD LOOKING AND SEXY PEOPLE.
YOU WILL BE SAFE, I'M JUST EMAILING TO SAY GOODBYE......
YOU WILL BE SAFE, I'M JUST EMAILING TO SAY GOODBYE......
Nudist Colony
I visited a very exclusive nudist colony to see if I wanted to join.On my first day I took off my clothes and started to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and I immediately got an erection.
The woman notices my erection, comes over to me and says,"Did you call for me?"
I replied, "No, what do you mean?" She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain.
It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she leads me to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls me to her and happily lets me have my
way with her. I continued to explore the colony's facilities.
I entered the sauna and as I sit down, I fart. Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him, "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man. No, what do you mean?" I said.
"You must be new," says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you fart,it implies that you called for me."
The huge man easily spins me around, bends me over a bench and has his way with me. I staggered back to the colony office, where I am greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?", she says. I yell, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee." But, Sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities." I replied, "Listen lady, I'm 70 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 15 times a day.
The woman notices my erection, comes over to me and says,"Did you call for me?"
I replied, "No, what do you mean?" She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain.
It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she leads me to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls me to her and happily lets me have my
way with her. I continued to explore the colony's facilities.
I entered the sauna and as I sit down, I fart. Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him, "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man. No, what do you mean?" I said.
"You must be new," says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you fart,it implies that you called for me."
The huge man easily spins me around, bends me over a bench and has his way with me. I staggered back to the colony office, where I am greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?", she says. I yell, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee." But, Sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities." I replied, "Listen lady, I'm 70 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 15 times a day.
Broke Back Mountain Woman
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was determined to keep the ranch , but knew very little about ranching, so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night.
He returned around 2: 30 am, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her.
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did
as she directed.
"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra." Again, w ith trembling hands did as he was told
and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said: "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!"
She was determined to keep the ranch , but knew very little about ranching, so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night.
He returned around 2: 30 am, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her.
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did
as she directed.
"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra." Again, w ith trembling hands did as he was told
and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said: "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!"
Old Age Test
The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University . Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it!
1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7 . This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.
Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down and I betcha' you cannot resist passing it on.
1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7 . This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.
Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down and I betcha' you cannot resist passing it on.
How To Bathe The Cat
1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to
the water in the bowl
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the
bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both
lids. You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the
noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash"
and rinse".
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that
there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean.
Yours sincerely,
The Dog
the water in the bowl
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the
bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both
lids. You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the
noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash"
and rinse".
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that
there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean.
Yours sincerely,
The Dog
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